6 Tips for surviving modern parenting

tips tips tips and more tips!

I have developed one....don't worry too much!! Gosh, easy to say hard to do

Thank you treasures

Parenting practices have moved on since we were babies and one of the biggest differences is how much pressure parents put on themselves. Here are some practical tips to help you cope with some of the biggest challenges of parenting today.

It’s a wonder any of us survived.

That can be the conclusion when we look at parenting practices of the past. We all have a family anecdote about something our mums and dads did that we would never dream of doing with our own children. While some of them are gasp-inducing, others are greeted with a chuckle – such as when a friend of mine found a note in his Plunket book about him enjoying ‘meat juice’ at a very (very) young age.

Discussions about parenthood with my mother, or others of her generation, often turn to stories of infants transported in bassinets on the back seats of cars, babies put to sleep on their tummies, children sent out to play bullrush with their neighbourhood chums and kids messing around on trampolines that had – wait for it – exposed springs.

Yes, parenting today is a vastly different beast. And while changes around sleeping and car safety are welcome results of scientific research producing better ways to care for children, many of the differences between now and then boil down to one significant ingredient: pressure, in all its different guises. 

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No escape

It starts from day one. Long gone are the times when new mothers were kept in hospital for two weeks following the birth of their baby. New parents in 2015 are now shipped out of hospital wards within hours, or at the most, a few days.

Long gone too are the days when new parents could go off the grid for a few weeks and get to grips with the new addition to their family. Our mothers and fathers could simply take their phone off the hook, but we have a much harder time escaping text messages, emails, social media and Skyping with overseas relatives. 

Even when those messages and enquiries are sent wiSth the best of intentions, the pressure to send a response when you don’t have the energy or enthusiasm to even brush your teeth can be immense.

Solution: Give yourself the gift of time. Send a message to friends (group text or email, facebook update etc) with the basic details of the birth, so everyone knows baby is here and doing well. Then, explain that while you’re really excited to show off your new arrival it will be after a week or so, when Mum, Dad and baby have had time to settle in. Say you’ll be in touch with everyone again when you’re feeling ready for visitors. If anyone does turn up unexpectedly and you’re really not ready to see them, just don’t answer the door. This time is all about you and baby. 

Information overload

Pat Assink, a Community Karitane who has worked with Plunket for 23 years, says today’s unprecedented access to information on the internet can be more hindrance than help.  

“The biggest difference [in parenting] these days is we have ‘Dr Google’” she says. “Women have access to lots of information, which isn’t necessarily a good thing. I find it can confuse [parents] even more. You just don’t know which way to go.” 

If your computer’s search history is one long list of “Is it normal when my child does...” then you probably need to step away from your keyboard. If our parents could muddle through the murky waters of raising kids without a search engine, we can too.

Solution: While styles of parenting may change over time, children don’t. Don’t terrify yourself by scrolling through pages of online diagnoses, talk to your mother, friends or your coffee group about any problems. If it’s really concerning you then see your GP, your Plunket nurse or call Healthline for guidance that is tailored to your child’s situation.

Keeping up with the Joneses

While this isn’t exactly a new concept, the phenomenon as related to parenting has climbed to a whole new level these days.  

One such place this can occur is in the coffee group. While they can be areas of huge support, bonding and reassurance for some mothers, others struggle to chat about the more intimate details of post-birth life and child-rearing with people they met only weeks earlier at their antenatal classes.

While many find such gatherings cathartic, for others they can be a source of stress, as they may feel their baby isn’t ‘keeping up’ with others in the group. 

Pat says it can be a common complaint: “They say ‘My baby’s not doing that and hers is doing that’, so it is a lot of pressure.”

Solution: Coffee groups can be a wonderful source of support, but if you’re not getting that from being part of yours then don’t feel you have to stay. Talk to your Plunket nurse, as she will know the other new mums in your area or you could also check local notices for coffee groups in your neighbourhood. And don’t worry if your wee one isn’t the first to achieve milestones – babies develop at their own rate.

It’s my kid’s party and I'll spend big if I want to

When I was young, birthday parties used to consist of treasure hunts, pass the parcel, pin the tail on the donkey and hide and seek. And that was after we’d sat around a table laden with chips, saveloys and fairy bread. (Refined sugar, carbs and artificial colouring!)

Yet some of the parties you see today are infinitely more sophisticated, as parents participate in what looks like an ever more expensive cycle of one-upmanship. One soiree I heard about recently took place at an exclusive inner-city hotel and sounded more akin to an adults’ cocktail party than a six-year-old’s celebration.

And 2015 saw the introduction of another disturbing birthday party trend – the bill for a no-show.  When five-year-old British boy Alex Nash was sent an invoice for $NZ33 after he chose to spend time with his grandparents rather than attend a birthday party at a local dry ski slope, it made headlines around the world.  The BBC even had its legal team comment on how the money could potentially be recovered by the party’s hosts. (They decided it’s virtually impossible, just in case you were considering sending your own invoice.)

Solution: If you’re feeling stressed about the idea of having to throw your child an extravaganza then just remember that kids can be happy with the simplest treats. There was a reason our childhood memories of birthday parties involved treasure hunts and musical chairs: they were jolly good fun. Go with what you know your child will enjoy and don’t worry about what other parents think. 

It’s all about the money

While we’re talking about invoices, there is, of course, much greater financial pressure facing parents today too.  

In our parents’ day, women often didn’t go back to paid employment after having children, but that’s simply not a choice for many mothers now.  Especially when there’s extra competition for a family’s dollar.  Today’s parents often feel the pressure to part ways with their cash for items that weren’t even a sparkle in their inventors’ eyes 20 or 30 years ago.

Have you heard anybody joke about the amazing present they bought for a child, only to discover they were more interested in the box that toy came in? Sometimes the most basic things can be the greatest source of pleasure. 

Solution: If dollars are tight then toy libraries, TradeMe and hand-me-downs are all inexpensive alternatives. 

Pressure to put on a show

We’re not sure when it happened, but parents are also putting pressure on themselves to be a constant source of entertainment, providing their child’s every waking moment – right from birth – with some sort of stimulating activity.

There will be plenty of grandparents out there shaking their heads in bewilderment at the thought of classes where we ‘learn’ how to play with our kids. Playtime when we were little largely involved being pushed outside and told not to come back in until lunch was on the table. 

Sometimes it seems we can be so busy trying to come up with some new game or activity for our kids to take part in we might actually be missing the opportunity to let them create their own fun.

Solution: Give them the basic tools, then make a cup of tea and sit back and watch them go. Kids have an innate ability to create their own fun if left to their own devices.

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So even though we can agree that some parenting practices are better left in the past, perhaps we could all benefit from taking a deep breath, thinking about how our mothers and grandmothers might have done things and trying to keep this parenting lark a bit simpler in this crazy age. 

Parenting may look quite different now, but children are still the same, deep down. You and I didn’t need all the extra bells and whistles to grow up healthy and happy and your kids won’t need them either.

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What is Mum Guilt?

This I feel every single day, every single hour, every single minute.

Often we over criticize ourselves, even more so when we are mothers or carers or when we are older. And often we need articles to remind ourselves to love our own heart and nourish it with goodness so that it can draw out and reach out to others.

Enjoy, thanks bobux!



Rebecca Taylor from Taylor Made Ramblings uses her trademark wit to discuss 'Mum-Guilt'. Yes, you know the feeling. That nagging suspicion you could be doing something wrong. Find out how to give it the boot and be a better mother for it today!

WHAT IS MUM-GUILT?

I'm sure I don't need to explain to most readers what mum-guilt is. Even if you are not a parent yourself, it's fairly self-explanatory.

I also feel I should be more inclusive and name it parent-guilt, but without sparking controversy, I do sense it’s something that mums experience more than dads...

Mum-guilt is that internal voice that criticises everything we do and don't do as a parent. It constantly goads our every move, comparing us to others or to our own idealistic self.

If it’s muted during the day whilst you are busy, you can be certain it’ll appear again at night to remind you of all your faults and imperfections.

Phrases such as these frequently whizz around my head:

'You really shouldn't put the television on - it's not good for him and it is selfish of you wanting him distracted whilst you cook the dinner in peace.'

'You didn't make that pasta sauce from scratch for dinner - you're pumping him full of additives and chemicals and he'll get used to the taste and never want homemade again!'

'You're useless at messy play and arts and crafts. You never do it because you worry about the mess. You're lazy. It's depriving him of vital developmental experiences.'

Sound familiar? I could go on and on about feeling guilty for wanting some time to myself, for not making a meal from scratch, for taking the little man to the soft play centre (again) because I couldn't face being creative at home.

As alone as we can feel, especially during difficult times, these worries are universal. The more we talk to other parents, the more we realise how much we all worry (even those who may appear calm and collected).

And often, just talking about it can help. Having an outside perspective can reassure us that actually, we are doing a good job.

WHY WE HAVE IT?

So why do we experience guilt? Because we care. Nothing can prepare us for the love and responsibility we feel when we have a baby; it is overwhelming!

We adore these little creatures more than anything in the world and we want to provide the very best we can for them emotionally, physically, and materialistically.

Yet the accompanying pressure is immense, and although everyone is different, I am yet to meet a parent who doesn't experience it to some extent.

I sometimes feel like I'm in a high-intensity fitness class! I am striving to do my best, to be the best, and it is exhausting, rewarding and sometimes fun. Yet I neveram the best. The instructor presents the model of fitness, the lady next to me can jump higher, the man behind can run faster...but I keep trying. I might momentarily pause but I never give up...

It is because we care that our expectations become unrealistic and we become susceptible to guilt. If we are always focusing on the goal, we forget all that we doachieve.

Furthermore, external pressures and influences don't alleviate the problem. We see the 'super-mums' on social media and hear those around us listing their accomplishments.

They might proudly announce that their little one is fully potty trained at eighteen months whilst my two-year-old will quite happily sit in a poopy nappy until someone notices! Or they will post mouth-watering photos of their latest culinary delight. And we constantly read what we should and shouldn't be doing with our child and so the guilt continues....

FOCUSING ON THE POSITIVES

We need to politely tell our inner voice to hurry back to where it came from; to stamp out the negative dialogue and give the boot to that guilt...

If we can say we fed, watered, washed, clothed and attended to the emotional needs of our children, then we are doing a great job!

I often feel guilty if I haven't made dinner from scratch, but actually, there are half a dozen meals in the freezer that I have made myself, or berate myself for offering a biscuit as a snack, when he had porridge, fruit and yoghurt for breakfast.

Other times I feel bad because he has been watching CBeebies all morning as I get things done. Again, I should focus on the fact that this isn't the norm and he played outside the other half of the day. (Furthermore, television isn't negative per se. He enjoys it and even seems to learn from it.)

It's a case of balance, balance, balance, accepting our limits and acknowledging our achievements.

The sooner we start being kinder to ourselves and praising our achievements rather than magnifying our shortcomings, the sooner we can be free of guilt and enjoy being a parent.

After all, if we are happy, our children are happy. Sometimes we just need to stop thinking altogether, to stop evaluating and assessing, negative or positive, and justbe (something I have written about extensively in my Mindful Mondays series).

Learning to live in the present and focus on the now is essential. We mustn't feel guilty for feeling guilty. We are only human and relinquishing guilt really is rather refreshing.

Give the boot to guilt, evict the judge, and ditch the jury. Instead, be kind to ourselves. This is, in turn, the kindest thing we can do for our children.

Do you suffer from mum-guilt? Do you have ways of dealing with it? Or perhaps you are a dad - what is your view on it? We would love to hear from you.

Posted in: Lifestyle

By Rebecca Taylor

Rebecca is a lifestyle, parenting, travel, health and fitness blogger. Head-in-the-clouds musician, singer, and teacher writing about life and her busy thoughts over at www.taylor-made-ramblings.co.uk.

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The collapse of parenting: Why it’s time for parents to grow up

As confusing as this article can be, it is sort of a wake up call to parents and maybe something for us parents to gear into...I guess. It's abit daunting to me for the moment.

Original article here

If anyone can be called the boss in modern, anti-hierarchical parenthood, it’s the children

Cathy Gulli

January 7, 2016

For modern families, the adage “food is love” might well be more true put another way: food is power. Not long ago, Dr. Leonard Sax was at a restaurant and overheard a father say to his daughter, “Honey, could you please do me a favour? Could you please just try one bite of your green peas?” To many people, this would have sounded like decent or maybe even sophisticated parenting—gentle coaxing formed as a question to get the child to co-operate without threatening her autonomy or creating a scene.

To Sax, a Pennsylvania family physician and psychologist famous for writing about children’s development, the situation epitomized something much worse: the recent collapse of parenting, which he says is at least partly to blame for kids becoming overweight, overmedicated, anxious and disrespectful of themselves and those around them.

The restaurant scene is a prime example of how all too often adults defer to kids because they have relinquished parental authority and lost confidence in themselves. They’re motivated by a desire to raise their children thoughtfully and respectfully. In theory, their intentions are good and their efforts impressive—moms and dads today are trying to build up their kids by giving them influence; they also want to please them and avoid conflict. In reality, parents are at risk of losing primacy over their children.

The dinner table is ground zero. “When parents begin to cede control to their kids, food choices are often the first thing to slide,” Sax writes in his new book, The Collapse of Parenting: How We Hurt Our Kids When We Treat Them Like Grown-Ups. A rule such as “No dessert until you eat your broccoli” has recently morphed into “How about three bites of broccoli, and then you can have dessert?” The command has become a question capped with a bribe, as Sax puts it. Dinner at home requires polling kids on what they’re willing to eat; the options might include roast chicken and potatoes or chicken fingers and fries. You can bet which they choose. So parents renegotiate: How about sweet potato fries?

Related: There’s no such thing as a naturally picky eater 

Parents in North America have become prone to asking their children rather than telling them. “It’s natural,” says Gordon Neufeld, a prominent Vancouver psychologist cited in Sax’s book. “Intuitively, we know that if we’re coercive, we’re going to get resistance.” For trivial choices such as which colour of pants to wear, this approach is fine, he says. But “when we consult our children about issues that symbolize nurturance like food, we put them in the lead.” That triggers an innate psychological response, and their survival instincts activate: “They don’t feel taken care of and they start taking the alpha role.”

So if the girl served green peas does eat one bite as her dad asked, Sax says, “she is likely to believe that she has done her father a favour and that now he owes her a favour in return.” Food may be the first manifestation of the collapse of parenting, but many of the problems within families are a result of this type of role confusion. In this way, what happens over a meal is a metaphor for how uncomfortable parents have become in their position as the “alpha” or “pack leader” or “decider” of the family—the boss, the person in charge. The grown-up.

That discomfort comes from a loving place, of course. Many parents strive to raise their kids differently from how they grew up. They say, “I can’t do the stuff I was raised with, it doesn’t feel right. I don’t want to yell, I don’t want to spank,” says Andrea Nair, a psychotherapist and parenting educator in London, Ont. “There’s a massive parenting shift between our generation and the one before. We’ve come a long way from when you called your dad ‘sir’ and when he walked in the house you would jump out of ‘his’ chair.”

The evolution hasn’t been easy, though. “We’re trying to pull off the emotion coaching but we haven’t received the training,” says Nair. “It’s like teaching your kids to speak French while you’re learning it in the textbook.” Parents have made it a top priority that their kids feel heard and respected from a young age. They want to be emotionally available to them, and for their children to be able to express their own emotions. “Kids have permission to have tantrums now because [they’re] learning how to manage feelings,” says Nair. “Someone said to me, ‘Are we seeing more tantrums now than we used to?’ And I wonder.”

Parents also want a democratic household where each family member has a say about what happens—Should we go outside now? Are we ready to have a bath? Would you like to have the party here?—and they cultivate independence and freedom of thought in their children. Strict obedience used to be praised; now it is seen as outdated and potentially dangerous. Compliance might mean your kid is a pushover, which no parent wants, especially as bullying has spread from the schoolyard to cyberspace.

There are broader influences shifting the parent-child dynamic as well. Over the past half-century or more, the public has come to scorn power imbalances based on gender, race, religion and sexual orientation, and historic gains have been achieved in the pursuit of equality. Even corporations are now replacing pyramidal management with “flat organization.” In Western society, where equality for everyone has become a cultural objective and a constitutional right, children are treated like they are one more minority group to honour and empower. “Empower has come to seem virtuous,” Sax says. “Empower everyone, why not?”

But many kids are actually overpowering their parents. That’s the problem, say those working in child development. A functional family unit hinges on the one social construct that contemporary society has been working hard to dismantle: hierarchy. “You need a strong alpha presentation to inspire a child to trust you and depend upon you,” says Neufeld of parents. “If we don’t have enough natural power then we’re hard-pressed to [make] the demand or [set] the limit” for children. “The parent always has to be honoured as the ultimate person,” he continues. “We need to put parents back in the driver’s seat.”

If not, the consequences can be far-reaching, starting with children’s eating habits, which might contribute to them becoming overweight and obese. Like the father in the restaurant, many parents can’t convince their kids to eat well. It doesn’t help that junk food is sometimes a reward for acing a test or scoring a goal. The message: healthy food is for losers. On-demand snacking—in the car, at the mall, while out for a walk—appears to disrupt metabolism and circadian rhythms, as well as hormonal balance. That many parents carry with them a canteen of water and a stash of goodies wherever their kids go is further proof of how much they want to satisfy their children, literally and figuratively. “I don’t want them to get hypoglycemic,” one mom told Sax while lugging a cooler of snacks to her car for a 30-minute drive.

Contributing to the extraordinary weight gain among North American children in recent years is a dramatic decline in fitness. There is even a medical term for it, “deconditioning,” which is described in the Collapse of Parenting as a euphemism for “out of shape.” It has landed kids as young as 11 and 12 in the cardiologist’s office complaining of heart-disease symptoms including chest tightness and shortness of breath. In fact, some hospitals in the U.S. have even opened pediatric preventive cardiology clinics.

Related: Are we the worst generation of parents? 

While children are less active than ever, they do not, ironically, get enough rest. A common question Sax asks students is, “What’s your favourite thing to do in your spare time, when you are by yourself with no one watching?” The most common answer in recent years: sleep. That’s because children are too busy with school assignments and extracurricular activities to go to bed at a good hour, or because when they get to bed, they are on their cellphone or computer, or playing video games.

This chronic fatigue may be associated with the rise of attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder and prescription drug use among children. “Sleep deprivation mimics ADHD almost perfectly,” writes Sax. In his experience as a doctor, insufficient sleep is one reason why kids are more likely to be diagnosed with the disorder. In general, “It is now easier to administer a pill prescribed by a board-certified physician, than to firmly instruct a child and impose consequences for bad behaviour.” Stephen Camarata, a professor of hearing and speech sciences and psychiatry at Vanderbilt University in Nashville echoes that point: “Parents say, ‘My child can’t do this particular exercise, they’re not paying attention,’ therefore I have to identify them as having a clinical condition.” A medical diagnosis might negate parental shortcomings or a child’s misbehaviour. “It displaces that failure,” he says.

Camarata worries that parents are asking too much of kids too soon, as he outlines in his latest book, The Intuitive Parent: Why the Best Thing For Your Child Is You. He points to the surge of books, toys and software marketed to parents of young children promising to accelerate learning. The ubiquitous metaphor that kids are information sponges has parents saturating them with educational exercises. “We’re treating them like little hard drives,” says Camarata, but “this idea of pushing children to the absolute max of their developmental norm doesn’t give them time to reason and problem-solve. It actually undermines both self-confidence and fluid reasoning, or the ability to think.”

Schools, too, have been focusing more on academic achievement than socialization. Sax documents how, 30 years ago, American students in kindergarten and Grade 1 learned “Fulghum’s rules,” which include tenets such as “Don’t take things that aren’t yours” and “Clean up your own mess” as well as “Share everything” and “Don’t hit people.” But since the 1980s, as other nations pulled ahead of the U.S. in scholastic performance, the primary objective of educators has become literacy and numeracy. In Canada too, says Neufeld, “we have lost our culture. Our society is far more concerned that you perform. Schools will always drift to outcome-based things.”

Related reading: Inside your teenager’s scary brain

That’s partly why a “culture of disrespect” has sprouted in North America. As kids have become less attached to and influenced by the adults in their lives, same-age peers have come to matter more to them. It’s a theme in Neufeld’s book, Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers, co-authored by Dr. Gabor Maté. Young children “are not rational beings,” says Neufeld. Part of growing up is testing boundaries; little ones, by their very nature, can’t be relied on to hold each other accountable—nor should they.

“Kids are not born knowing right from wrong,” says Sax, pointing to longitudinal studies showing that children who are left to discover right from wrong on their own are more likely to have negative outcomes in the future: “That child in their late 20s is much more likely to be anxious, depressed, less likely to be gainfully employed, less likely to be healthy, more likely to be addicted to drugs or alcohol. We now know this,” he says. “Parents who are authoritative have better outcomes, and it’s a larger effect than the effect of race, ethnicity, household income or IQ.”

With stakes so high, authoritative parenting would seem imperative. But there is a psychological hurdle that people will have to overcome first, says Nair: “How to respect their child but also be the decider” of the family. Part of the challenge lies in the fact that parents don’t want to fail—at nurturing and governingsimultaneously—and they certainly don’t want their children to fail in their personal development, in school and at social networking. These worries feed off each other in the minds of parents; that’s why parents second-guess the way they speak to their kids, what they feed them, how they discipline them and what activities they permit.

This is all the more true for the growing number of parents who delayed having children until they were “ready” with a secure job, a good home and a dependable partner. “People purposely wait so they can nail it,” says Bria Shantz, a 35-year-old mother of two in Vancouver. “That creates even more pressure. They want to get this perfect.” Shantz is, in fact, the daughter of Neufeld, and she has called upon him for advice or reassurance. That Shantz, who has a leading child psychologist in her family, one who helped raise her, can still occasionally succumb to parental insecurity, says everything about its potency: “There’s this slight panic. You want to do everything right,” she says. “Nothing prepares you for how much you want it to go well.”

Related: Why men can’t have it all

So as soon as parents conceive, they begin amassing a library of books on how to deal with the fantastic chaos about to enter their lives in the form of a baby; the collection grows with each developmental stage. They subscribe to online newsletters and smartphone apps that alert them on milestones their children should reach by a certain age. From the outset, parents are tracking how quickly their child is growing, how much they are achieving. For every expert a parent consults by phone or in person, they’re also checking in with the virtual wise man, Google. That almost never helps.

There is no parental concern too obscure not to have an online group devoted to it. Shantz is part of one focused on “baby-wearing” because she’s trying to decide whether a “wrap” or a “ring sling” would be better for her nine-month-old. “It’s the weirdest site to be on. You see posts and you feel guilty because [parents] are carrying their babies everywhere, doing all these things, having this connection.” And yet Shantz hasn’t been able to delete herself from the group, even though she keeps meaning to; nor has she been able to pick between a wrap or sling.

That pull and push moms and dads feel­—between caring about how other parents are raising their kids while rejecting the constant comparisons—defines this generation of parents for better and worse. Katie Hurley, a psychotherapist in Los Angeles and author ofThe Happy Kid Handbook: How to Raise Joyful Children in a Stressful World, says, “We’ve been conditioned to question ourselves—to constantly look for information to make sure we’re doing it right. Because of that, parents are in a state of learned helplessness.” [tweet this]

So what are people supposed to do? The answer is so basic that at first it might seem unsatisfying: For starters, says Hurley, realize that “nobody knows what they’re doing when they leave the hospital with an infant. Every parent learns by trial and error”—every year of their child’s life, and with every child they raise. That’s as true today as it ever was, and parents who recognize this will shed some guilt and anxiety. Building on this idea, Nair says that parents must “have a higher tolerance for things not going well.” How they recover from their own occasional mistake, outburst, loss of patience or bad call may say more to a child than how they are in happy times. “We’re missing that opportunity, which is how learning works,” she says. “That’s how we become more confident.”

Related reading: How much risk should we expose kids to? 

A significant portion of Sax’s book is devoted to the importance of parents modelling traits they want to encourage in their children. Chief among them, he says, should be humility and conscientiousness—which run counter to inflating a child’s self-esteem and sense of entitlement. To that end, he encourages parents to fortify their adult relationships so they are not overly concerned with pleasing their kids as a way of satisfying their own need for affection. Neufeld also urges parents, including his own adult children, to establish a network of surrogate caregivers—relatives, neighbours, daycare workers—who will not undermine their authority but back them up when they need help.

And invariably, they will. “Parenting is awfully frustrating and often a lonely place,” says Neufeld, especially when a child misbehaves. In those moments, he recommends parents reassure kids that their relationship isn’t broken. “When parents realize that they are their children’s best bet, it challenges them to their own maturity.” It gives them the confidence that they know what’s good for their kids, and that they should stand up to them—this is, in fact, an act of love required of parents. They become, in effect, the grown-ups their children need

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Playing with Your Child: Games for Connection and Emotional Intelligence

This I find REALLY useful as playing with kids shouldn't be so tiring these days.  All they need is kisses and hugs at the end of the day. And these games have plentiful of them.

Taken from AHA! Parenting (I like this website already)

"Play can be the long-sought bridge back to that deep emotional bond between parent and child. Play, with all its exuberance and delighted togetherness, can ease the stress of parenting. Playful Parenting is a way to enter a child's world, on the child's terms, in order to foster closeness, confidence, and connection."
-Lawrence Cohen, Playful Parenting*

I know, you think you hate playing with your child. But what if I gave you permission to set a timer and forget about your To-Do list and just connect with your child for ten minutes? What if I promised that if you do this on a regular basis, your child will become more cooperative, and you will feel more energized? What if it helped you become a happier parent?

Children need to play. It's their work. All mammals play; it's their way of learning skills they'll need when they're full-grown, from finding food to getting along with others. It's also the way small humans process their emotions.

All day, every day, children have to manage complicated feelings: Fear (What if there IS something under the bed?), Jealousy (Maybe you do love their sibling more!), Humiliation (The teacher acted like he should already know that, and all the kids laughed!), Panic (What if she doesn't make it to the bathroom on time?), Anger (It was my turn!), Disappointment (Doesn't anyone care what I want?!).... The normal challenges of every day for a growing child of any age stimulate all kinds of feelings. Children release these emotions through play. Laughter, specifically, transforms our body chemistry by reducing stress hormones and increasing bonding hormones.

Kids are more physical than adults. When they get wound up emotionally, their bodies need to discharge all that energy. That's one of the reasons they have so much more energy than we do, so they wear us out.

But we can use this to our advantage, because when we play physical games with children, they giggle and sweat and scream -- and they release the same pent-up stress hormones that they'd otherwise have to tantrum to discharge. Playing is also how kids learn, so when you "teach" an emotional lesson by playing, your child really gets it. Best of all, playing helps parents and kids feel closer.

I realize that at the end of the day you might be exhausted. I personally would much rather snuggle on the couch than initiate an active game. The good news is that these games don't have to last long -- maybe 10 minutes at most, or even as little as 2 minutes.

And believe it or not, most parents find them energizing. That's because the tension and irritation we carry around makes us tired. When we play, we discharge stress hormones just like our kids, giving us a little more energy as we head into the evening.

So when your child asks you to play, make a deal. Sure, you'll play dollhouse, or build a train track. But first, will they play a roughhousing game with you for a few minutes? Don't be surprised if your child loves this kind of play so much, he begins begging for these games over and over.

Here are some ideas to get you started.

When your child is annoying, or in your face.

"Are you out of hugs again? Let's do something about that!" Grab your child and give her a LONG hug -- as long as you can. Don't loosen your grip until she begins to squirm and then don't let go immediately. Hug harder and say "I LOVE hugging you! I never want to let go. Promise I can hug you again soon?"Then let go and connect with a big, warm smile, and say "Thank you! I needed that!"

A more intensive version, for when a child has a new sibling, or you've been doing a lot of disciplining.

Convince your child on a very deep level that you LOVE him by chasing him, hugging, kissing, then letting him get away and repeating -- again and again.

"I need my Michael....You can't get away...I have to hug you and cover you with kisses....oh, no, you got away...I'm coming after you....I just have to kiss you more and hug you more....You're too fast for me....But I'll never give up...I love you too much...I got you....Now I'll kiss your toes....Oh, no, you're too strong for me...But I will always want more Michael hugs...."

This is my favorite game, guaranteed to transform your child's doubt about whether he's truly loved (and any child who is "misbehaving" harbors that doubt). (I call this the Fix game because it Fixes whatever's wrong. From a parent: "I'm kind of shocked how much my son is loving the Fix game!? I don't think I've ever heard my son say, "Let's do it again!" so many times :)"

A stepped-up version involving both parents.

Fight over your child (jokingly), vying to see who can snatch him up and hug him. "I want him!' No, I want him!" "But I NEED him so much!" No, I need him! You ALWAYS get him!"

When your child is grumpy.

"You seem to be in a NO mood. I have an idea. I want to hear you say NO as much as you want. I will say YES, and you can answer NO in the same tone of voice. So when I say YES in this low voice, you say NO in a low voice. When I say YES in this squeaky voice, you say NO in this squeaky voice. Okay?"

To a child who is getting over-excited or too revved up:

"You have so much energy right now. What can we do with all this energy? Do you want to spin around? Come over here (or outside) with me where it's safe to spin around, and I'll spot you."

Find a safe place where no other kids or parents are there to further stimulate him, and let him spin around, or jump up and down, or run in circles around you -- whatever he chooses. When he drops in exhaustion, snuggle him and say

"It's so much fun to be excited. But sometimes you get over-excited and you need a little help to calm down. Now, let's take three deep breaths to relax. In through the nose, out through the mouth. 1.....2......3......Good! Do you feel a little calmer? It's good to know how to calm yourself down. Now, let's go snuggle by ourselves and read a book for a bit."

When you and your child seem to be having a lot of power struggles.

Give your child the chance to be the more powerful one and to outsmart and over power a terrible monster -- You! Swagger and strut and roar at your child about how you will catch him and show him who's boss....but when you chase him, always trip and bumble and let him outsmart you or over-power you and get away. Give him a remote and pretend he can make you stop, start, move forward and backward. When she high-fives you, pretend she almost knocked you over. Another version of this is giving your child a feather, or a pillow, to hit you with. Every time he hits you, fall over! Repeat as long as he's giggling. Acknowledge your child's formidable power: “You are so strong! You pushed me right over!”

When your child is cheating at a game.

Say "Looks like we have new rules now....But how come you always win?!...I hate losing!" Overdo your role as the "sore loser" so that your child gets to laugh at you.

When your child is super-clingy or has been experiencing separation anxiety.

Cling to your child, being super-exaggerated and silly. "I know you want me to let go so you can go play, but I NEED you! I only want to be with you. PLEASE be with me now?" Keep holding your child's hand or clinging to her dress. She will like the feeling that SHE is the one in charge of letting go, rather than feeling pushed away. If you act silly enough, she will also giggle and let off some of the tension around good byes. When she definitively pushes you away, say, "It's ok. I know you will come back. We always come back to each other."

When your child goes through a stage of only wanting Mommy (or Daddy).

Let the preferred parent sit on the couch. Get between your child and that parent, and boast

"You can't get to Mommy! You are all mine! Only I get to be with you! I will keep you from getting to Mommy!"

As he tries to get to Mommy, grab at him, but bumble and be unsuccessful. When he reaches Mommy, she laughs, cheers, hugs him and then lets him go. You lament that he got through, but continue to boast and challenge him and try to grab him. Exaggerate your boasting. "You can't push around me to get to Mommy!" and then bumble and let him push past you. He should giggle and giggle, which means that he is releasing his fears and anxieties.

When your kids are fighting a lot:

When tempers are calm, say "Would you two please fight with each other now?" When they begin to fight, pretend to be a TV commentator. "We're on the scene tonight watching two sisters who can't seem to get along! Will they work things out or not? Stay with us while we observe this behavior live! Notice how big sister is bossy, but little sister is provocative! Both girls want the same piece of salami! Can they work this out? Are they smart enough to realize there's more salami in the fridge? Stay tuned..." Your kids will giggle and let off tension, and get to see how ridiculous they are.

When your child feels like a bottomless pit:

Every day, spend 15 minutes snuggling. Revel in touching your child. Don't structure this time. Just kiss him on the nose, nuzzle her hair, let him sink into the comfort of your lap. Even if your kid is eight, treat him as if he's a baby, just beginning to be verbal. Rock him in your arms. Play the physical games you played when she was tiny. Resist tickling, which can make kids feel invaded and out of control. Mostly, just snuggle and lavish attention. If you want some help getting into the mood, look together at old baby pictures: "You were so adorable, almost as adorable as you are now!"

When your child goes through a stage of whining a lot.

Remember that whining is an expression of powerlessness. Refusing to "hear" until they use a "big kid" voice further invalidates them. But of course you don't want to reward whining by "giving in" to it, either. Instead, express confidence that your child can use her "strong" voice and offer your assistance to help her find it, by making it into a game:

"Hey, where did your strong voice go? It was here a minute ago. I LOVE your strong voice! I'll help you find it. Help me look. Is it under the chair? No...In the toy box? No.... HEY! You found it!! That was your strong voice!! Yay! I love your strong voice! Now, tell me again what you need, in your strong voice."

(If this doesn't work, it's because your child needs more tenderness and maybe a chance to cry. See the article on whining.)

To help a child fall asleep at night.

Say goodnight to each part of your child's body, touching each part in turn gently, with a little massage.

"Good night shoulder...good night arm....good night elbow, good night forearm, good night wrist, good night hand, good night fingers."

Take your time so your child relaxes each part of her body as you "recognize" it. The more you can simply relax and connect with your child, the more you are helping your child be in her own body and be fully present.

When your child has stolen something.

Get him laughing about this by enacting a stuffed animal "stealing" things from all over the room. Meanwhile, the stuffed animal mother is searching for the stolen things-- "I can't find the dog dish anywhere! Wherever did it go?!" Of course, the pile of stolen things is right in front of her. (You'll still need to have a conversation with your child about how he wishes he could keep what he stole, but it must be returned, and that in the future he can ask you if he wants something. But playing a game like this first will take the shame and anxiety out of the situation for both of you, and will help your child be open to making amends.)

When your child has been screeching or complaining:

Give permission.

"Ok, there's been so much complaining (or loud screeching)! This is your last chance to complain (screech) for the rest of the day. I'm setting the timer and putting on my earphones. I want you to complain (screech) as loud as you can for the next three minutes. You only have three minutes so make the most of them. After that, we're all back to normal inside voices. 1, 2, 3, GO!"

To help a child who's coping with a challenging issue, like the start of school, or playground struggles, or being sick:

Have one stuffed animal be the parent, and one be the child, and act out the situation. Using stuffed animals removes it one step from reality so most kids find it more comfortable, but some children like to actually act the situation out themselves (as opposed to using the proxy of dolls or stuffed animals).

"Let's pretend we're in the sandbox and I want your truck but you don't want to share" or "Let's pretend you're the teacher and I'm the student" or "Let's pretend you're the doctor and I'm sick."

Playing out these situations that cause so much stress for kids helps them to feel more in control of their own emotions, and lets them be the powerful one in a situation where they might have felt powerless and humiliated in real life.

To work through a problem that keeps coming up, such as a child who dawdles in the morning or at bedtime.

Sometime on the weekend, grab a mom and baby stuffed animal. Have them act out the morning (or bedtime) routine. Have the little one resist, whine, collapse. Have the mom "lose it" (but don't scare your child by overdoing it. Have the mom be a funny, incompetent bumbler.) Your child will be fascinated. Then, hand your kid the "mom" and play out the scenario again, with you being the kid. Make it funny so you can both giggle and let off tension. Make sure to include scenarios in which the kid goes to school in his pjs, or the mom goes to work in her pjs, or the kid has to yell at the mom to hurry up and get ready, or the mom says

"Who cares about that meeting? Let's tell the boss it's more important to find your toy car!"

Give him in fantasy what he can't have in reality. You may learn something about how to make things work better. Almost certainly, you'll see more understanding and cooperation from your child on Monday. At the very least, you'll defuse the tension get a great chance to see how your kid perceives you!

To reconnect.

Start a pillow fight, or a snowball fight, or a wrestling game in which you take each other’s socks off (an excuse for hugs). Or give your child a pillow to hold, and try to steal it from her. Always let your child win. Kids need to rough house. You might even find you like it too!

As long as your child is laughing, that game is working to alleviate anxiety and increase well-being. Don't be surprised if your child wants to play these games over and over. They relieve stress, help your child master emotion -- and believe it or not, they're fun!

*These are games I often recommend to parents, and while I have adapted them over the years, I didn't invent them. Some originated from the rich tradition of play therapy or were invented by my clients; some were inspired by the work of Lawrence Cohen (Playful Parenting), Becky Bailey (I Love You Rituals), Patty Wipfler (Hand in Hand Parenting) and Aletha Solter (Attachment Play.) For more ideas on using play to connect with kids and help them resolve challenges, I highly recommend their books, below.

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