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Take advantage of your soreness and have it guide you during workouts.
By Tesa Johns
So you went to the gym and you had your best workout yet. Your intense and satisfying workout left you wanting more. Now you can’t wait to get back into the gym…until you wake up the next day and feel like you got hit by a thousand pound bag of bricks.
Soreness is not always a bad thing and can be used to your advantage. Take the day to get in some light cardio or do a long stretch routine. Your soreness may be the thing you need to take in a relaxing yoga session. Another possibility to defeat soreness is to work on the muscles that aren’t sore. If its your arms and back that are sore, try working your legs and abdominals.
Soreness, or more scientifically known as delayed onset muscle soreness (DOMS), is a side effect of the muscle repair process that develops in response to microscopic muscle damage. Muscle damage is needed for the muscle fibers to repair themselves and gain strength. Imagine fraying a shirt and repairing it with twice the amount of thread. A common misconception is that DOMS is due to lactic acid. Lactic acid is not a component in the muscle soreness cascade. Origins of muscle soreness accompany many symptoms and are complex.
Activities known to cause DOMS include strength training, downhill walking/jogging, aerobics, and plyometric exercise. Plyometric training, or “plyos,” are exercises where muscles exert maximum force in small bouts with the goal of increasing speed and strength. An example of a plyometric would be squat jumps or box jumps.
Often, muscle soreness will only last a few days and may diminish during activity. Light activity can help to diminish symptoms of muscle soreness. Light workouts get your blood flowing at a faster rate than remaining stationary. Blood flow in our body is like a highway helping to move things along. In this case, helping to move out the inflammation caused by your sore muscles and previous workout. Heading back to the gym may be the best option! Unless of course you find it difficult or too painful to perform daily living activities, then it is advisable to refrain from activity and return once the pain subsides.
When you finally get up the gusto to head back to the gym, begin with a light stretching session. For each muscle group you stretch, make sure to stop at the point of pain. Going further than the point of pain may cause negative side effects, such as overstretching the muscle making it susceptible to injury. A light activity that may be beneficial is cardio or bodyweight exercises. Getting the blood flowing and warming your body up should be the goal. If your primary goal is to reduce symptoms, then treatment such as an ice pack application, massage, tender point pressure, or an oral pain reliever may be useful.
Tender point pressure may be accomplished using a foam roller and lightly rolling over the entire muscle. When you reach the point of pain stop rolling but remain applying pressure for 3-5 minutes.
Soreness is your body telling you when damage has occurred. Don't let soreness take away your workout motivation. Use it to accomplish different goals or give yourself a day to treat your body right, but most importantly, do not sit and give up on the day!
Tesa is new to blogging, but hopes to make a big impact with her vast knowledge of athletics and experience. Tesa recently earned her bachelor's degree at the Pennsylvania State University. While majoring in Athletic Training and minoring in psychology, she worked with various division one collegiate sports teams. Tesa is continuing her education by pursuing her Master's of Science in Kinesiology with a concentration in sports pedagogy at The Louisiana State University. Tesa is a board certified Athletic Trainer and a Performance Enhancement Specialist. Outside of the training room, Tesa enjoys going on runs and working out for leisure.
Main Photo Credit: dean sanderson/shutterstock.com; Second Photo Credit: Jacob Lund/shutterstock.com; Third Photo Credit: Sebastian Gauert/shutterstock.com
Ever wonder what it would be like to lead your own class, but aren’t sure you’ve got what it takes to be an effective instructor? I pondered that very question nearly 20 years ago, and I’m so glad I challenged myself to become an instructor, because seeing others reach their fitness goals has filled my soul.
Here are eight signs you’re ready to step up from the front row and step into the role of a certified group fitness instructor.
Given the choice, you would absolutely pick a group workout over hitting the elliptical machine, even if you’re streaming your favorite show! You’re energized by the camaraderie and friendly competition that come with a group. You’re genuinely happy being around other people.
Great instructors lead by example. It takes courage to lead a group fitness class and great leaders know how to bring out the best in others.
To be a great teacher, you need to be a great student, too. The fitness industry is constantly evolving with new research about ways to make physical activity enjoyable. There are endless growth opportunities, from learning to teach different formats to re-thinking class design and music.
You’re a glass half full kind of person. Your Instagram is full of fitness photos and you browse Pinterest for exercise tips and healthy recipes to share with friends and family. You find yourself high-fiving people even for the smallest victories.
You have the ability to laugh at yourself and to adapt to your environment. Teaching keeps you on your toes and requires you to wear many hats, from public speaker and motivator to stand-up comedian. You’ll have 30+ people counting on you for a fun and balanced workout.
Whether you’re a stay-at-home parent, work in an office or have a knack for teaching, leading classes adds some excitement to your day. Early bird, night owl, or weekend warrior? Take a look at any health club schedule and you’ll see classes scattered throughout the entire day, 7 days a week.
Becoming a group fitness instructor requires no prior professional fitness experience, but many personal trainers are able to build a clientele from teaching group fitness classes. If you’re already a personal trainer, teaching group fitness will make you a better trainer. It works the other way around, too!
In just one hour as a group fitness instructor, you have this amazing ability to impact lives for the better. Telling people that they “need” or “should” get physical activity every day isn’t enough. The only way that physical activity can truly start to become a habit is for it to be enjoyable. You can empower others to want to live healthier and to feel good from the inside and out.
We’ve launched an all new, world-class ACE Group Fitness Instructor Certification study experience. Featuring an interactive, digital learning component that takes you step-by-step through the fundamentals of group fitness—from exercise programming and music selection to engagement and motivation techniques—our study experience will empower you to make every class world-class. Learn more about it right here.
Andi Wardinsky, M.S., has been inspiring the world to fitness for over 15 years as a fitness professional and educator based in Seattle, WA. Known for her infectious energy and love of music & movement, Andi holds a master’s degree in physical education, numerous specialty certifications, and is a Master Trainer for the American Council on Exercise. As an ACE Certified Group Fitness Instructor & Personal Trainer combined with her past experience as a general manager and group fitness director, Andi loves to educate fitness professionals on various topics in the industry through local establishments, national conferences, and various publications.
As winter draws near, this is something useful for the parents. I'm on a lookout for Whooping Cough coz that is like the major of the major compared to all other coughs...
Isn't it amazing how many tissues and bowls of soup your family can go through in one season? Don't assume, though, that your child's cough is simply a cold it might be something more serious. Here's when to worry and what to do.
Your child went to bed with a stuffy nose but he's been sleeping peacefully for a few hours. Suddenly, you hear what sounds like a barking seal over the baby monitor. You run in and find your child struggling to catch his breath.
What's probably causing it: Croup, a viral illness that causes inflammation in the larynx (voice box) and the trachea (windpipe). It's most common between October and March, and it usually affects children ages 6 months to 3 years. The telltale cough usually gets better during the day but returns for two more nights. He may also make a high-pitched whistling sound (called stridor) when he inhales. Some kids tend to get croup every time they have a cold.
How to help: When your child wakes up barking, bundle him up and go outside -- cold air often helps relax the airways. Or turn on a hot shower and sit with your child in the steamy bathroom for 15 to 20 minutes, since the warm, moist air also may help him breathe, says Parents advisor Jennifer Shu, M.D., editor of The American Academy of Pediatrics' Baby and Child Health. Call 911 if your child is truly having trouble breathing or if he has stridor that gets worse with each breath or lasts for more than five minutes. Between attacks, use a cool-mist humidifier in his room, and make sure he drinks plenty of liquids. Although croup usually resolves on its own, always call your doctor when you suspect it. Recent research has found that one dose of oral steroids -- which doctors used to prescribe only for severe croup -- may also be helpful for milder cases.
Your child's cough sounds mucousy, and she also has a runny nose, a sore throat, watery eyes, and a poor appetite.
What's probably causing it: A common cold, which can last for one to two weeks -- although it's at its worst (and most contagious) in the first few days. Children get an average of six to ten colds a year, according to the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, so you can expect more than a few this winter.
How to help: Since colds are caused by viruses, antibiotics won't help -- don't even ask your pediatrician to prescribe one. (However, do call your doctor if your child has persistent green snot and a fever, because she may have developed a bacterial sinus infection.) If your child is too young to blow her nose, use saline nose drops and a bulb syringe to help clear the mucus and make her less likely to cough. Using a cool-mist humidifier and giving her a warm bath can also help. You may want to let your child inhale some vapor rub on a towel, but don't put the rub directly on her skin unless your doctor advises it. Also check with your doctor before giving your child any over-the-counter medicines, and ask when she'll be old enough to suck on cough drops.
The Dry, Nighttime Cough
Your child has had an annoying cough off and on all winter long. It gets worse every night and any time he runs around.
What's probably causing it: Asthma, a chronic condition in which the airways in the lungs become inflamed and narrowed, and they produce excess mucus. Although parents often think that wheezing is the primary sign of asthma, a hacking cough -- particularly at night -- may be a child's only symptom. "The mucus in the lungs creates a little tickle, which makes kids cough," explains Debbie Lonzer, M.D., assistant professor of pediatrics at Cleveland Clinic Children's Hospital. Other red flags: The cough is triggered by exercise, allergies, colds, or cold air. If your child is young or thin, you may see his chest caving in as he breathes.
How to help: See your doctor if you suspect asthma. Children who are old enough (usually age 5 or 6) will blow into a special tube to test lung function. To make a diagnosis in younger kids, doctors usually rely on the child's exam along with parents' reports about the pattern of symptoms and any family history of allergies or asthma. Children with mild cases can take inhaled bronchodilator medication during an attack, while kids with moderate-to-severe asthma also need a daily preventive medicine. Call 911 if your child ever has significant trouble breathing or he becomes unable to speak, eat, or drink.
The Miserable Cough
For the first time in her life, your child is too wiped out to play. She's got a weak, hoarse cough, as well as a high fever, muscle aches, and sniffles.
What's probably causing it: Influenza, otherwise known as the flu, a viral illness that attacks the respiratory system. The flu has a long incubation period in kids, so they can walk around with the virus for days before they get sick, sharing it with friends and family. "It's spread through little droplets, so when a classmate sneezes just once, the flu virus flies across the room," says Dr. Lonzer.
How to help: Give her plenty of fluids, as well as either acetaminophen or, in children older than 6 months, ibuprofen with food or milk to bring down her fever and relieve aches. Next year, be sure she gets the flu vaccine.
The Wheezy, Gurgly Cough
Your baby has had a cold for a few days, and now his cough has a raspy, whistling sound. He seems to be breathing rapidly and is very irritable.
What's probably causing it: Bronchiolitis, an infection of the bronchioles, the tiniest airways in the lungs. When they swell and fill with mucus, it's difficult for a child to breathe. The most common cause is the respiratory syncytial virus (known as RSV). Bronchiolitis most often strikes young babies during the winter months, says Allan Lieberthal, M.D., clinical professor of pediatrics at the University of Southern California, in Los Angeles.
How to help: Contact your pediatrician immediately if your child seems to be having difficulty breathing or drinking. According to new guidelines issued by the American Academy of Pediatrics, babies typically don't need a chest X ray or blood tests. Your doctor can diagnose bronchiolitis with a physical exam and a thorough history. Encourage your child to rest and drink plenty of fluids. Most children don't need medication (bronchodilators, antibiotics, or steroids), according to the new guidelines. In serious cases, a child may need to be hospitalized to receive oxygen, fluids, or medication.
The Whoopy Cough
Your child has had a cold for more than a week and now she's having coughing fits -- sometimes she'll cough more than 20 times in one breath. Between coughs, she has trouble breathing and makes a strange whooping sound as she inhales.
What's probably causing it: Whooping cough, which has recently been on the rise. Bacteria called pertussis attack the lining of the breathing passages, producing severe inflammation that narrows -- and sometimes even blocks -- the airways. Children who've not yet been fully immunized are most likely to catch whooping cough (the five-dose DTaP vaccine is usually given at 2, 4, and 6 months, between 15 and 18 months, and between 4 and 6 years). However, young babies are at greatest risk. "Infants under 6 months don't have enough strength in their lungs to make the characteristic whooping noise, so it's harder for parents to detect," says Gordon Bloomberg, M.D., associate professor of pediatrics at Washington University School of Medicine, in St. Louis. Instead, their coughs may come in continuous bursts ending with gagging or vomiting, they may briefly stop breathing, and their lips may turn purple because they're not getting enough oxygen.
How to help: Call your doctor immediately if you suspect whooping cough. Babies under 6 months will need to be hospitalized. The infection is treated with antibiotics, and other adults and children in your household may need preventive antibiotics and a booster shot to avoid getting sick. (Whooping cough is highly contagious, and immunity begins to wane five years after immunization.) Antibiotics will clear up the infection after about five days if they're started early enough, but your child's cough may linger for months and also return when she gets subsequent respiratory infections.
What Does Whooping Cough Sound Like?
The Really Gross Cough
Your child's had a cold for a week now, and it's getting worse. His cough is wet and phlegmy, and his breathing seems to be faster than usual.
What's probably causing it: Pneumonia, in which a virus or bacterium invades the lungs, causing them to fill up with fluid. "Because the child is trying to get the fluid out of his lungs, a pneumonia cough tends to be pretty ugly," says Dr. Lonzer. "This is the hacking-up-goobers one."
How to help: Your pediatrician may be able to diagnose pneumonia with a physical exam but might need to send your child for an X ray. She may do an oxygen-saturation test (placing a bandage-like strip around your child's finger) to check for a low oxygen level. If the doctor determines from the test results that the pneumonia is bacterial, she'll prescribe antibiotics; viral pneumonia has to run its course. Pneumonia can usually be treated at home, but if it's severe, your child may need to stay in the hospital for a few days.
Simple Cough Soothers
Plenty of water
Nasal aspirator
Chicken soup
Cool-mist humidifier
Originally published in the February 2007 issue of Parents magazine.
All content on this Web site, including medical opinion and any other health-related information, is for informational purposes only and should not be considered to be a specific diagnosis or treatment plan for any individual situation. Use of this site and the information contained herein does not create a doctor-patient relationship. Always seek the direct advice of your own doctor in connection with any questions or issues you may have regarding your own health or the health of others.
So you’ve been taking full advantage of your gym membership and have actually been going consistently. Great work! If you’re like most people, however, at some point you might start to feel like you’ve hit a plateau, because you’re no longer seeing the results that kept you motivated in the beginning. It happens. Let’s take a closer look at why plateaus occur and what you can do to avoid them.
Stalled results can be caused by a number of factors, but generally it means your body has adapted to whatever physical stimulus you have been giving it. To experience continuous progress, it is essential to keep both your mind and body guessing, while continuing to fuel your body efficiently. Here are 10 tips for pushing past plateaus:
1. Routine is the enemy.
To really change your body, your training has to be consistently intense and varied. If you do the same class every day, your body is going to adapt. You have to keep creating a challenging stimulus so your body can’t get too accustomed to what you’re giving it. Change happens outside your comfort zone.
2. Strength training is essential.
Stop doing hours of cardio and back-to-back indoor cycling classes. Focus on building lean muscle mass so that your body becomes a lean, mean burning machine. Chronic cardio can actually eat up muscle and increase cortisol levels, causing you to store fat.
3. Increase your intensity.
Perhaps you are diligent about switching up your routine, but still aren’t seeing the results you want. Here’s a possible solution: Lift heavier and/or go faster. Instead of doing a million reps at a low weight, try doing more weight for fewer reps. Similarly, instead of doing your standard run, run a 5K or a mile as fast as you can, or try switching it up with sprints instead.
4. Prioritize protein.
To build lean muscle mass, you must fuel your body with protein to create an anabolic foundation. Eat some high-quality protein with every meal, along with healthy portions of veggies.
5. Ditch the processed foods.
Say no to fake food, and yes to nutrient-dense whole foods. If it comes in a package, a bag or a box, steer clear. And don’t forget that real food doesn’t have ingredients—it IS an ingredient.
6. Tailor your intake to meet your nutritional and caloric needs.
Perhaps you have already dialed in your diet, but are still in a fat-loss slump. Take a closer look at all those bites, nibbles, tastes and snacks you may be mindlessly consuming. Raw nuts, avocado and almond butter are great healthy options, but you still need to keep an eye on your portion sizes.
7. Hydrate.
Your body cannot perform optimally if it doesn’t have sufficient water. While coconut water and tea add to your overall fluid intake, don’t forget to drink plenty of plain water as well to make sure you’re meeting the recommended daily intake.
8. Get enough sleep.
Adequate rest is just as important as nutrition and fitness. If your body doesn’t get the sleep it needs, you simply won’t get the results you want.
9. Don’t overdo it.
Sometimes plateaus show up when we are overtraining. Take a look at your fitness schedule. Are you sore all the time? Do you allow your body to recover by implementing full rest days? Remember, rest days are essential to allow your body to build the lean muscle mass you are working so hard to achieve.
10. Have fun.
The best exercise is the one you are actually going to do. The most important part about any fitness regimen is consistency. Find something you actually enjoy doing and then give it everything you have. Ideally, it becomes a positive outlet that empowers you to be better, both in and out of the gym.
Kelley Vargo, MPH, MS, CSCS, ACE Health Coach is a recent graduate of the Milken Institute School of Public Health at The George Washington University where she received her MS in Exercise Science with a concentration in Strength & Conditioning and her MPH in Communication & Marketing. Ms. Vargo has contributed content to Discovery Health as well as the ACE Fitness Journal. She is a member of the International Society of Sports Nutrition, Delta Omega Public Health Honors Society, and a Metabolic Effect Instructor. She enjoys sharing her passion and energy with others, helping them create healthier and happier lives. Follow Kelley on twitter @kelleyvargo or contact her at kmvfitness@gmail.com or www.kelleyvargo.com.
If you can’t decide if you should follow a low-carb or a high-carb diet, why not just combine the two diets in an effort to address all of your sports-performance and weight-loss concerns? Believe it or not, this is an actual dietary approach known as carb cycling, which involves alternating between high- and low-carbohydrate days for six days and including a reward or “cheat” day on the seventh.
The theory is that low-carbohydrate diets lead to more effective weight loss (both from fat and water loss), but that rotating carbohydrates into the diet plan provides more energy for high-intensity training days. Proponents also claim that the reintroduction of carbohydrate helps boost metabolism, which may become stagnant on a chronically low-carbohydrate diet. Carb cycling has its roots in bodybuilding, a sport in which competitors cut carbohydrate prior to a event in an effort to lean out (the lack of glycogen and water from the muscles provides a lean, cut look). Eventually, the community noticed that alternating high-carb and low-carb days provided the best of both worlds—enough energy for training, but lower body fat.
How It Works
You may have heard of “plateau-busting” or “muscle-confusion” workouts for continued strength gains. Could it be possible that, like the musculoskeletal system, the human digestive system requires controlled chaos? There may, in fact, be some truth to this concept—at least mentally, if not also physiologically. Strict diet plans take a toll on both focus and mental drive (which is why they only work temporarily). Thus, keeping the mind and body guessing could be an effective plan for relatively long-term weight loss. Having said that, a completely chaotic or haphazard diet plan is not intuitive or productive.
Depending on your goals, proponents of carb cycling offer advice for tweaking the schedule. For example, if you would like to lose weight, include five low-carb days intermixed with two high-carb days. If your goal is to gain muscle mass, try doing the opposite—four or five high-carb days with just a few low-carb days. No plan is perfect for everyone, so monitor your results (both subjective and objective) to create a program that facilitates fat loss without completely depleting your energy.
Buyer Beware
Like every other diet plan in the world, carb cycling comes with its own set of pros and cons. Overall, if you have the discipline to count your macros and restrict your intake every other day (or so), this diet plan can be a healthy option. Also, like every other plan, the choice to follow it will depend on your goals. Outside of bodybuilding, carb cycling seems best suited for individuals who would like to lose weight, but have been unsuccessful with other diet plans.
Some carb-cycling diets, however, are tied to supplements. While supplementation is not necessarily unhealthy or counterproductive to goals, always use caution when following diet plans that require supplements. For example, some plans and products will sling jargon such as, “Low-carb days enhance your body’s fat-burning potential, while high-carb days boost your body’s metabolism into high gear.” Or they may recommend substituting a product (a shake, for example) for one of the daily meals.
Further, for those with high-energy needs, such as endurance and collegiate athletes, too many “low” days are counterproductive to training and may potentially increase the risk of injury. Regardless of the diet plan you follow, consider your goals and what will work for you consistently.
Value What Matters
In terms of evaluating progress, subjective fitness gains are arguably more important that objective ones. Monitoring variables such as how you sleep, how you recover and your energy level during workouts, for example, is more imperative than the number on a scale.
The carb-cycling plan may be more sustainable than other diets, but can you endure the countless counting? Given your work, travel, vacation and holiday commitments, is it a plan you can follow indefinitely? For that matter, will any incredibly specific plan be sustainable for an entire year? If you are a competitive bodybuilder, the answer may very well be “yes” (and good for you, if that is the case). But if you are trying to lose a few pounds, just want to feel better or would like to shave some time off of your next triathlon, don’t follow a strict diet and don’t count calories (but keep reading).
Types of Carbohydrate Matter
High-carb days and cheat days can be easily misconstrued. Like the term “moderation,” everyone has his or her own definition. Regardless of whether or not you are carb cycling, added sugars and processed carbohydrates should comprise a minimal part of your diet. Processed carbohydrates can have a negative impact on blood-sugar regulation, which may alter hormone levels. When hormones (such as insulin and ghrelin) are out of balance, weight loss becomes more difficult. Any time you eat carbohydrates, focus on minimally processed, high-fiber foods and naturally occurring sugars.
Create a Plan That Works
Conceptually, carb cycling follows the principle of nutrition periodization, which means matching your energy intake with expenditure. High-intensity training days require more energy (calories) than rest days. On a broader scale, certain months of the year may require more energy than others; for example, you may require a higher caloric intake during in-season training versus what might be required while training during the off season.
Consider the following plan, which incorporates the ideas of carb cycling and nutrition periodization, but makes the day-day-day management easier:
Follow a moderate carbohydrate intake (roughly 50 percent of total caloric intake).
Fill half of your plate with vegetables, one-third with protein and healthy fats, and slightly less than one-quarter with starches, grains or fruit at each meal.
Include fiber, protein and healthy fats at each meal and snack.
Include one or two higher-carbohydrate meals or snacks on your workout days, or even on the days before or after a very intense workout. Examples include a fruit smoothie with protein, homemade energy bars, oatmeal with dried fruit and nuts, fresh fruit with nut butter, trail mix, chocolate milk, 100 percent fruit juice or an extra serving of starch vegetables (potatoes, corn, peas) or whole-grain starches.
Justin Robinson is a Registered Sports Dietitian and Strength and Conditioning Coach who has worked with athletes from youth to professional level. As the nutrition director and co-founder of Venn Performance Coaching, he specializes in practical sports nutrition recommendations and functional conditioning techniques. Over the past 15 years, he has worked with athletes from the youth to professional level, including runners and triathletes, MLB players and U.S. Military Special Operations soldiers. He graduated from Cal Poly, San Luis Obispo with a dual degree in Nutrition and Kinesiology, completed his dietetic internship at the University of Houston and earned his Master's Degree in Kinesiology at San Diego State University.
Working out isn’t a matter of having time – it’s a matter of making time.
That said, we all endure days where getting to the gym just isn’t in the cards. Luckily, there are plenty of exercises you can do at home to make sure you keep up with your healthy lifestyle. Not only do you get to exercise in the comfort of your own home, you can do it with household items as well!
Get fit by targeting areas of your body you want to work on with just one or two props from your house and no professional workout equipment. The following are some examples you can do for each target area:
1. Lower body
Calf raises (you can use the stairs in your home)
Step-ups (on a chair)
Squats (squat jumps, reverse squats)
One-legged squats on a coffee table (place one foot behind you on the table for balance)
2. Upper body
Elevated push ups (use your coffee table or the couch)
Tricep dips (on a chair)
Pull-ups (use the doorway or archway of your home)
3. Abs
Crunches (bicycle crunch, reverse crunch, vertical leg crunch)
Sit ups (use your couch for foot support)
Low scissors/leg lifts
4. Core
Superman
Planks (reverse plank, side plank, plank twists)
Sliding burpees (using a towel or two paper plates)
The actual interest that sparks me more are the comments after the post. Super interesting.
And I like this thought. 'You will adjust'. Which is so true to parenthood. We just adjust and we will find things that we will enjoy in our own parenting ways and find that our priorities shift in other ways. Right now with me, it sucks to be sick.
At first, people understand that bringing new life also brings exhaustion. People ask new parents if the baby is sleeping through the night as if that is the magical key to them feeling like a fully functional human being. But, every parent knows, it is not. I’m quite sure that it is a scientific fact that parents never feel like fully functional human beings again. Or maybe they just change the definition of what “fully functional” means, so that it no longer implies anything closely related to “rested.”
Here’s why:
They never sleep through the night. Never. Again.
Sleeping through the night initially means sleeping for longer than two- or three-hour stretches. Once your infant gets past that point, people seem to forget that doesn’t mean jack. At first, parents wake up in a panic when the infant doesn’t wake them up, and they check on them, adrenaline rushing, thinking they’re going to find something very wrong. They nudge the baby. Nudge. Nudge. Until they hear an audible sigh. Then they either can’t fall back asleep because of all that adrenaline or they can’t fall back asleep because they woke up their kid. As the child gets older, the parents wake up hearing phantom baby cries that exist only in their heads. When they accept that their kid can sleep through the night and think they’ve finally arrived, the toddler begins waking up in the middle of the night and coming in their bedroom, waking up and peeing the bed, waking up and screaming, “I need a tissue!” I hear it doesn’t get any better. I’m already dreading waking up in a panic thinking about my kids as teenagers, wondering if they have snuck out of the house, and as college students, wondering if they are OK or if they have been roofied and are lying in a ditch. By the time their kid has a job, parents have aged and their sleep cycles have changed and their old selves become biologically incapable of sleeping. The end.
There is no downtime.
The other day I tried to program my cousin’s number into my phone — she had texted me and I wanted to add her name to my contact list. I tried about eight times before giving up completely because my children were all up in my space, bumping my arms and touching the screen. It’s hard to explain to someone that you don’t have time to put a number in a phone, but this is a very real thing. Unless you’re in the bathroom. Sometimes parents get excited about shitting so they can scroll through their newsfeed. Sometimes they pretend to shit so they can scroll through their newsfeed. Unless, of course, they’re the parent that the kids just barge into the bathroom with (there’s always one parent who’s the designated bargee). Then there’s really no sanctuary, even in shitting.
There are no days off.
There are millions of ways people can fill their time and expend their energy without being parents. Everyone is exhausted, no doubt about that. However, there is usually a way to get some sick time. Take a day off to rest. Parenting, however? Being sick is the worst, because you can’t be sick. At least, you can’t act like it. Food still needs to be served, laundry still needs to be done, kids still need to be loved. Parents are basically on the verge of illness at all times, because they never get a chance to recover. We blame our kids for bringing home germs from school, but the reality is that we are stinking sacks of pathogenic meat ourselves.
Their brains are on overload.
There is a never-ending stream of chatter. There are so many “Mama. Mama. Mama. Mamas,” and grabbing things or pointing while asking, “What’s this?” And no matter what response is given, there is an endless supply of, “Why? Why? Why? Why?” — and there are requests for songs and to “Tell me a story, Mama,” and loud, echoing whines about things like “I wannnnnntttt a red sippy cup,” even if they already have a red sippy cup. There is a lot of fake phone calling and talking to kids using a dirty sock as a puppet. It’s not so much that each individual question or statement is so bad (they’re not — they’re often quite amusing, actually); it’s more the fact that every second is packed with endless auditory assaults and required responses. As kids age, they might utter fewer words, but the ones they do say are usually not as cute, and the issues that arise are much more difficult to address. Brain overload doesn’t go away when the toddler years do.
Sometimes they have to stay up until 2 a.m. binge-watching Netflix with their spouse.
Because sometimes they want to enjoy time with their spouse. And sitting like a sloth on a graham-cracker-crumb-littered couch while sipping on a glass of cheap wine next to the one you love, without having to make conversation, can be almost as beautiful as watching the sunset on a beach in Mexico while holding a margarita. Almost. It’s quiet (other than the occasional crumb crackle). It’s calming. It’s rejuvenating. And it is needed for marital stability. It’s worth paying the price of giving up a night’s sleep entirely now, so they don’t end up paying the high cost of divorce fees by the time the kids graduate from high school. They’ve already got college to pay for, don’t forget. Stuff gets physical.
Don’t get me started on what pregnancy does to your body — I’m solely talking about parenting here. There is a constant worry about torn corneas. Little hands start flailing from Day 1 and continue indefinitely. For the first few years, parents are constantly carrying their kids around, lifting a 35-pound toddler on one hip, and a 20-pound toddler on the other. These aren’t like bags of flour here, they’re writhing, wrenching, bucking broncos. Parents on the living room floor trying to get a push-up in during a Caillou episode are subject to little monsters in superhero capes jumping off the couch and onto their backs. There is little to no chance of getting through parenting without tearing a cornea or herniating a disc. All the mother-loving cleaning.
The other day I was running late for work and when I went to grab the infant from her crib I realized she had puked on herself in the middle of the night. Her hair stood up straight and smelled like sick. I tossed her in the tub and gave her a quick bath, before throwing some clothes on her and tossing her in the car. (There’s another example of physical exertion — lots of child-tossing going on). The amount of frenetic cleaning of bodies and houses that parents end up doing is mind-boggling. Of course, everyone needs to clean their house, but parents need to clean their house SO MUCH. Bending over, putting away, bending over, tidying up, putting away. Wiping. Wiping. Wiping. Picking up toys. Toys. Toys. Spooling reams of unrolled toilet paper. Dishes. Dishes. Dirty laundry. Bodily fluid-soaked laundry. Replacing grown-out-of laundry. Toys. Toys. Tiny pieces. Puke. Toys. Toys. Toys. Never-effing-ending bowls and bowls of Cheerios. As kids get bigger, so does their stuff. Teenagers have more surface area than toddlers, which means more dust, more circles around the tub. More bodily stench. And definitely more clothes on the floor.
Worries wear out their bodies.
There are many mornings when new wrinkles and gray hairs suddenly pop up. Deep grooves. Thick, wiry hairs. I pretty much stopped getting carded the week after I became a mom. My daughter emerged from my body and I immediately developed a web of creases beneath my eyes, not just from the exhaustion but also from the worry. Anxieties tax the body, and parents have a never-ending stream of them running through their heads. Sudden infant death syndrome. Falling down the stairs. Ingesting cleaning products. Bumping heads on the corners of coffee tables. Witnessing the ALMOST bumping of heads on the corners of coffee tables. Thoughts of their kids being bullied, being out late at night, hanging out with the wrong crowd, marrying the right person... Our poor little cells explode from all the stress.
Parents are so tired they sometimes lie on the floor. Face smooshed right in the carpet. Now you know why.
P.S. Even when they’re on the floor, they’re still happy. They’re just too tired to smile.
Activities known to cause DOMS include strength training, downhill walking/jogging, aerobics, and plyometric exercise. Plyometric training, or “plyos,” are exercises where muscles exert maximum force in small bouts with the goal of increasing speed and strength. An example of a plyometric would be squat jumps or box jumps.
Tender point pressure may be accomplished using a foam roller and lightly rolling over the entire muscle. When you reach the point of pain stop rolling but remain applying pressure for 3-5 minutes.
